“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

It is difficult to forgive. But forgiveness is a gift which everyone possesses. It is a great power which can change the world if exercised properly. But one needs to be strong mentally, spiritually and intellectually in order to forgive. The programmes of the recovery groups, many therapists and doctors speak of the value of forgiveness – forgiveness of self and others and forgiveness by others.

Forgiveness is not simple or easy. Like recovery it is a process. Many of us mouth superficial forgiveness. But this quick and easy forgiveness is pseudo forgiveness which does not stand the test of time.

What is true forgiveness?

Forgiveness is an opportunity to transcend humanity and act in a divine way. That’s why Alexander Pope said, “To err is human, to forgive divine.”

Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life – to allow life to live through you. Forgiveness is taking hold of things by the smooth handle. This means examining your problem and going at it in such a way so as to encounter least resistance. Resistance causes friction and negative attitude. “Smooth handle” is in harmony with the flow of nature. Flow in the direction of water and blow in the direction of the wind. Do not go against the current. When we take hold of things by the smooth handle it not only produces less resistance but stimulates assistant forces.

How can we deal with anger?

Anger is one letter short of danger. We can deal with anger in three ways: by denial, expression and forgiveness.

Denial buries a secret resentment in the heart. Expression of anger is appropriate initially after a hurt. But ultimately forgiveness must follow.

Bearing a grudge, being angry or resentful is a huge energy drain. If you want to relieve a tremendous weight and feel ten pounds lighter instantly all you need to do is call somebody you hurt or wronged and apologize. Yes do this even if it was not your fault. In fact take this one step further and call up everybody who has hurt you and forgive them. This is mighty difficult. But do it even if you are right and they are wrong. The whole point here is not who is right and who is wrong but that it is affecting you and your ability to attract what you want in life. You do not need any past burdens and grudges weighing you down and slowing you down – and they will if you do not do something about them. Resentment is a feeling of anger and unhappiness about something that you think is unfair. If someone treats you unfairly you tend to become resentful. But this does not help you in any way. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

If you do not forgive the person who wronged you, is it like sweeping the problem under the carpet. 

First it will keep popping up at different points in your life until you handle it.

Secondly by not resolving this you get to be a victim in the relationship and the other party gets to be the ogre or a real frightening thing.

Thirdly by keeping this unresolved you are in effect hanging on to this relationship or the old problem. This will disappear the moment you forgive.

What is the goal of forgiveness?

The goal of forgiveness is to forgive yourself. It is to let go of the hurt and move. Some say that the purpose of forgiveness is to absolve others. The purpose of forgiveness is not to absolve others, for who are we to absolve them or who are we to judge anyone? Rather the purpose of forgiveness is to free ourselves from the toxicity of resentment, animosity and bitterness. Those who hold a grudge are held hostage by fear. Fear captures them and holds them a prisoner.

Is forgiveness for the offender?

No, it is not for the offender but for the one who is being offended, for the one who is harmed. If you don’t forgive you suffer. Not forgiving somebody doesn’t hurt anybody but you.

What happens when we do not forgive?

When we do not forgive, we hold on to anger. We replay the offence against us and imagine or rather experience the offence again and again. It’s like playing a record repeatedly. And in so doing we bring up negative and destructive emotions for ourselves. When we do not forgive we allow the other person to take control over our life. We continue as a helpless victim of their misdeeds. If you think by not forgiving you deprive the other person of his satisfaction, r-e-m-e-m-b-e-r, it is not his satisfaction, but yours! If you do so you are the loser. That is the question. Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional and physical energy. We suffer mentally, emotionally, socially and physically. This saps our energy completely. In most cases people become ill. Revenge is the most destructive of all human emotions and gratitude is the healthiest.

(To be continued...)

Roque Raay Neerude